small claims

I'll say a few things about the gig on Sunday in a later post, but I just wanted to mention this experience I had today in small claims court.

Zac was getting sued, it doesn't matter what for or who won, but I was testifying as a witness. The woman who was suing him did not bring any witnesses with her, failed to provide evidence in the manner that the court required, talked back to the judge, and made a lot of excuses. About three quarters of the way through the proceedings the judge had me come forward to testify and the only available chair was the one next to this woman. He had me sit next to her and I found myself on the receiving end of the worst glare I've ever experienced. She told me that I was lying, she told the judge that I was lying, she asked if she could leave to vomit because she couldn't stand me being there. She heavily implied that I wasn't to be trusted because I was there to testify instead of at an important corporate job like the people who would have been witnesses for her. She sighed and rolled her eyes. I was honestly convinced that she would physically assault me. She was filled with so much hate and anger that I could barely stand to be in the same room as her. When the trial was over, she just about chased us down the hall shouting about how we were all liars and she was going to take down Zac's company.

I guess I knew people like that existed, I had just never been on the receiving end of that hate before. I'm so grateful for the people I have around me who do not approach life in this way. And I'm especially grateful I had the forethought to put a talisman against the evil eye in my pocket before I left home this morning. I hope that she can find healing for her soul and come to peace with herself.

Conversation with an exhausted toddler

Mom (trying to find out why baby is whining): Are you hungry? Do you want to get down? Do you want me to take your shoes off?
Baby: No.
Mom: Do you want to leave your shoes on?
Baby: No.
Mom: Do you want your shoes off?
Baby: No.
Mom: Ok, we're going to stop talking about shoes now.

Love Reed

I was wary of going back to my fifth year college reunion this year. I didn't spend much time at my fourth last year, but this was the centennial reunion, so I made a point of going. It was really great to see old friends and spend time with Mom. I have a lot of sad and traumatic memories of college, probably because junior and senior years were so intense, but I found that going back was healing. I participated in the all class parade and overwrote the previous traumatic memory of my thesis parade. I had joyous, friendly interactions with people I used to know in that space. So you know what? I recommend going to a reunion of that type in the future. I had a great time and it was totally worth it.

The State of the Vera Address

Clearly, you've noticed that I'm posting again! Here is the State of the Vera address for May 2011.

School:

I'll be done with my biology track very shortly. I'm still loving my time at PCC. My biology instructors have been lovely. This summer I'll be taking a distance learning Human Development class. It'll be my first distance learning class, so I hope I'm capable. I still turn into a blithering mess when confronted with a term paper, but I have to write one every term and I'm getting better and better. I have probably a year left before I start to apply to Naturopathic schools.

Work:

I'm still doing inventory and database maintenance at my job, worked in to two vet tech shifts a week and one and a half reception shifts a week. I've gotten really, really efficient at keeping things together, but not being there every day, things still fall through the cracks. My shifts are long and I always come home exhausted.

Music:

About the same time I started to look for a place to make music, Kendálin found me. I've been attending two rehearsals every week and most of them have felt self-indulgent and fun, like going for a hike up a deserted mountain, or spending an hour in the hot tub. The other women I'm singing with are pretty spectacular and we're making some kickass music. I'm very much looking forward to our coming concert in Salem next month.

Home:

My apartment is still a lovely place to live, but I occasionally fail to take care of it for a week at a time. Right now, there are marauding piles of laundry that threaten to eat my cats. I keep track of what days I put effort into cleaning, but they are still few and far between. I moved my computer out into the main room and that has helped me keep things straighter. One of these days (when I have free time?) I ought to go through my stuff and get rid of things I have no use for.

Family (near and far):

My far family is all wonky. My dad moved out last November and has been living in an apartment near his work. Mom still lives at home with the cat, but travels a lot for her musical group Russian Duo. I don't talk to either of them enough. Dad visited earlier this year for a weekend and we had a great time driving around in the hills. Mom will be here for our college reunion next month.

My near family just keeps getting stronger and stronger. Since my last address, two new family members have been added since Megan and Beth both had a baby. The Monster Palace started a new tradition of family dinner on Sunday nights and it's been pretty excellent. I'm so grateful every week to have somewhere to go for a few hours where everybody supports each other and celebrates each other. And eats delicious food.

Spirituality and Sanity:

A few years ago in a State of the Vera address I declared that I had my depression licked. Right now, I find that hilarious, but I am certainly less depressed now than I was then. I can only attribute that feeling back in 2009 to some decisions that I had made about taking greater control over my destiny. I've been implementing that plan since then (with varying degrees of rigor) it's been paying off. The current form of the plan is to find things that fulfill me and do more of them, while phasing out things that don't fulfill me. It's so simple, right? And yet it's so hard to do, with all the feelings of should and should not.

sumer is acumen in

Thursday was one of those nearly perfect days. I had a little extra free time and a little more leeway between scheduled obligations, so I didn't feel as rushed as the past few days. I had skipped dinner Wednesday night, so I started off the day with a less than stellar mood, but then I remembered that my mood is directly effected by how recently and how well I've eaten, so I was able to address the problem.

I had plenty of time to hang out on my porch in the sun before class. I cleaned up my apartment a bit. After class I had a great workout, followed by a lovely walk and snack with my lab partner. I chatted with my new neighbor a bit. And on my weekly Dekum House date, we did some bike brainstorming. Nothing feels too big to handle. Hooray for Thursday!

all hail alma mater

Somehow a Vera from the past signed me up to sing some very silly music at our college reunion this summer. Tonight was the first rehearsal. It will be a breeze, and hopefully lots of fun, but it was made all the more absurd by the fact that I was wearing scrubs and texting Monica, who was at a baseball game, with fake information about the sport.

the promised announcement

I've spent the past week on twitter saying vague things about auditions and singing and a band, so I suppose I ought to say a little more about it. I promised myself that I would wait until things were settled before I said anything "official" about it, but it looks like the actual settling is a long way off. So here goes:

A few weeks ago I started looking for a new chorus. It's been long enough since I sang regularly and I'm starting to feel the hankering again. I sang at Rob's church for Easter and that reminded me how much I love to sing formally. The last chorus I sang with started out feeling semi-professional, but by the end of the season it felt very amateurish. Maybe I'm spoiled by the stellar choirs I've sung in since high school, but I really want a group of people who are serious about music but have fun making it.

Out of the blue two Tuesdays ago I got an email from Shawn, with whom we sang on the Christmas performance afternoon. Their musical group Kendálin is lacking a lead singer, would I like to audition? Thus began a whirlwind of strange scheduling, phone calls, and joyous singing. So I got the email on Tuesday and then spoke on the phone with Shawn and Tasha on Thursday. After work that Saturday I went to their house (mercifully halfway between work and home) and they fed me dinner and taught me a bunch of their music. And on Sunday afternoon I went to rehearsal with the full group.

They had me arrive late so they could talk some things over with the group, so I got there after the group had been playing for a while and had to insert myself into the space. I was so nervous my legs were shaking uncontrollably. I really hope I sang well, sing I couldn't hear myself over the other instruments. They had me playing the harmonium a bit which allowed me to sit.

Almost immediately afterwards I got an email asking if I would be interested in getting together with another singer to check blending. So Wednesday night after work I bopped back over to Shawn and Tasha's house and sang rounds by Libana, early music, and Balkan music for a while. Today we had another of those sessions, but much, much longer. I was completely pooped by the end, but also invigorated with all the music.

It is so utterly refreshing to sing sing sing! I haven't had quite enough time for homework and alone time in the past two weeks, but oh! the music! It's like teenage Vera has poked me through time to remind me of all this music that I love.

The plan as it currently stands is for me (and the other singer) to sing with the group for the upcoming Salem World Beat concert in June. After that, who knows what will happen? This just means that for the next two months I get to sing amazing music with fabulous musicians. This is going to be great!

Alle Psallite

And another thing that keeps me sane: singing with other people and sounding good as a group.

correlation is not causation, but

I started going to the gym for a variety of reasons. Along with feeling better physically, I found that I slept a lot better and was generally more content. And then I skipped a week of exercise. I lost sleep, got depressed and anxious, and felt like life was spiraling out of control. I went to the gym today and did very light exercise and it's as if all the bad effects are completely reversed. Note to self: go to the gym regularly.

Retrospective of 2009

It's not a real vanity blog until I apologize for an extended absence at least once. I've been meaning to restart Flying Tiger for a few months, but couldn't figure out the proper way to do so. (Just write the damned post, you may exclaim!) So here's what I came up with: a retrospective of the past year.

January:

My car's radio stopped working, but I got my old laptop to boot in ubuntu, doubling my computer power. It was a month of insomnia, culminating in a horrible work week where Stacy came and got me from work because I was too exhausted to drive.

February:

Matt and I split up and I moved in with Beth, Jeff, and Kevin, stranding my cat at Stacy's house. Living with friends was really great; living without Zhenya was really hard.

March:

Then unexpectedly, Stacy's house was being sold and I needed to move Zhenya very quickly! I finally settled on moving her in with me at Beth's and then went to visit my folks in Cleveland. A good time was had by most.

April:

I had started seeing my friend Jason in Seattle, but before it got terrible serious, I started dating Paul in Portland. We're still dating. I'm still friends with Jason. :)

May:

I went to Renn Fayre in my scrubs! I sang in a small concert, too. And then the rest of the month was basically devoted to moving out of Beth's house and into my new apartment, Sanctuary. Stacy moved in to Beth's when I moved out. At the very end of the month, there was some drama at work that affected my employment (I got many more hours) and free time (I got very fewer hours of that).

June:

I took on more hours at work and took home a day old kitten who needed constant care and supervision. I also started my first term at Portland Community College. What was I thinking?! I got next to no sleep.

July:

Still wrangling extra hours at work, clashes with coworkers, school, tiny kitten, and a heat wave. I don't remember much of that month because I was constantly rushing from one place to another.

August:

Mom came to visit! She met Paul and they got along great. I picked up yet more responsibility at work and the kitten kept growing.

September:

I went to the Penny Arcade Expo with Paul and Amariah! I hadn't been to a convention in a long time and it was great. I had a party to celebrate the five year anniversary of leaving Crossroads. It was called the "Get to know Vera better party," though we spent most of the evening talking about cults. I finally got around to writing an essay about what happened five years ago. And then I joined a chorus!

October:

New term at PCC coincided with me suddenly getting half a promotion at work and picking up more hours permanently. Somehow I thought I could juggle these, but it didn't go as well as I would have liked. I declared social bankruptcy and didn't do anything fun until I was done with all of the homework and work work I needed to do for the month.

November:

I turned 26! And slogged around in schoolwork until I hated myself. Somehow I pulled through and got a 4.0, but that's really next month.

December:

Is still happening for a few more days! So far I've decided to take a term off of PCC and gotten a new attitude about my new responsibilities at work. Overall, my plan for this year (which was for it to be RAD) was a success. My plan for next year: be RADDER and carry less stress than 2009 did.

Welcome back, Flying Tiger.

dream processing

On Tuesday I mentioned to Stacy a fantasy I've been having about going back to Crossroads and getting some closure by seeing what the arboretum has done with the property. So last night I dreamed I did that. I was with Beth and Jeff on a road trip when we passed the driveway for Crossroads, so I decided to go in.

The place had been replaced with a 5-star hotel complete with uniformed bellhops and crowds of well-dressed people. I pushed past people to the front desk and asked the lady there if I could look around, because I used to live there. She looked relieved and said, "Oh, good! We've got a stack of mail for you!" I tried to explain that it was many years ago and that mail wasn't for me, but she wouldn't listen. Another person offered to show me to where the old buildings had been. Beth and Jeff were replaced by Matt and we followed the bellhop down into the basement and past all kinds of weird things to where the highway was behind the hotel. We had to frogger across to get to where he was taking us and it no longer even remotely resembled Crossroads. There was a cabin that was clearly inhabited, but we didn't get a good look at who lived there before I woke up.

I remember having a panic attack in the lobby of the hotel when I realized that everything had been replaced, but for the most part, I don't know how I feel about this dream.

Tuesday and Thursday

Tuesday was one of the best days of my life. It had been planning to go over to Beth's to watch the inauguration, but I didn't really make it all the way to the door and ended up on the couch asleep. Stacy stopped by to see what we were up to and we ended up listening to the event on NPR together, squeeing and giggling a lot.

After all of the hubub died down, we decided to go to the coast together and took Baldr with us. It was a fabulous day, full of good conversation, giggling, and running around on the sand.

From Beauty

Matt and I went to dinner on Broadway and during dinner a spontaneous parade of people carrying flags and cheering walked past.

Then we went to Stacy's birthday party and that was all kinds of fun. All kinds. That includes friends, cuddling, tickling, cats, fire, cheesecake, surprises, and many other kinds that I won't list here.

And I realized that the long winter that Master Chi'ang warned us about is finally coming to an end and that makes me so very, very happy.

This morning I had breakfast with Beth and then biked to Paul's to sing with Beth and Paul. Today isn't over and it's still pretty damn awesome. Why haven't I been biking or singing for the past few years?

one is silver, the other gold, etc. etc.

So it's not November anymore, but who cares? I'm still going to talk about some things I'm grateful for.

New friends:
The really fun thing about new friends is that you get to present yourself in a new way to them. They come to you as a blank slate ready to reflect a new you back at yourself. I've learned a whole lot about myself in these past few months just by introducing myself to new people, especially complete strangers as opposed to friends of friends.

Old friends:
Matt and I did most of our moving on Thanksgiving and the day after, so we didn't get to celebrate that much. But we got to Portland on the other end and people came over to help us move in and people gave us leftover Thanksgivings. So we got to eat Thanksgiving for dinner last night. And I went out and hung out with humans in Portland who were thrilled to see me. And plans were made and such.

Yayfor friends!

cryptic gratitude

No details, but I think last night's gratitude is important to write down. I'm glad someone called me on my shit yesterday. I may have been angry in the short term, but I got stuff done and it shocked me out of a rut. Next rut to fix: sleep deprivation cycle.

State of the Vera

Well, apparently I didn't make it very far with my gratitude posting month. I'll probably do more of it, but every day didn't work out this year. So instead, today I'll post a State of the Vera Address:

Jobs:
I've been temping since we moved to Seattle. It's been a mixed bag of fun, horror, learning new skills, and just slogging through. I'm about to move back to Portland where I don't even have a good prospect at the moment. There are plenty of maybes, but maybes don't pay the rent. So I've been freaking out about that a little bit. I'm pretty confident that once I start walking into vet clinic and handing them resumes, things will loosen up, but since I'm living up here and can't physically do that, I just have to sit on my hands and surf Craigslist. Hilarious fun!

Housing:
Matt and I just nabbed a gorgeous house in NE Portland for a little less than the one we're in now in Seattle. It's biking distance to a number of friends and walking distance to the Kennedy School and New Seasons. It's bigger than this house (by a small amount), has a fenced back yard, and butts right up against Wilshire Park, where there's an off-leash area. It's wonderful! It's beautiful! And there've been a variety of interesting kinks in our plan to move there. It's not worth going through every gory detail, but every day brings a new emotional roller coaster of housing.

Sleeping:
I finally got my sleeping habits under control. For a while there, I had insomnia like whoa. I think it was mostly related to anxiety and I got that under control after a while with cunning application of tea and therapy. But here it comes again, just in time for us to move. Woohoo! In related news, I've learned that energy drinks are awesome, but I crash really hard after they're out of my system.

Depression:
Wow! I really kicked it! Well, mostly. I'm learning some coping techniques. Some are really mundane, like calling a friend for a quick kick in the pants, or going for a walk with the dog. Others are a little more maintenance, like eating balanced meals. But every day I wake up and tell myself that today is a good day, and usually it is.

Bad pun moment:
The state of the Vera is Washington, soon to be Oregon.

Today's Gratitude:
I managed to start turning my life around before age 25. Albeit, it was just a few months shy, but I'm still glad I did it.

running running running

I was planning to write a state of the Vera address, but apparently I had other things to do away from the computer. The address should be forthcoming.

Today Matt, Baldr, and I went to the dog park and ran ourselves silly. Baldr had a chance to chase another malamute around and there were several labs and retrievers that wanted to wrestle with him. But the best part of all of that was chasing him around the park. Matt and I took turns playing tag with Baldr until he was too tired to stand up. It was great!

Day (maybe I should stop counting because I missed a few days) 15 Gratitude:
running really fast until I'm out of breath and giggly

I knew this would happen...

I made it a third of the way through the month before hitting writer's block. I've had three or four grumpy evenings and bad night's sleep, which of course, leads to tiredness and feeling generally delicate. Blah. So I guess today I'll list something I'm grateful about in general, every day, and try not to take it for granted.

Day 12 Gratitude:
Baldr and Zhenya offer me unconditional love, every day, all the time, no matter what

fans, and things that hit them

I've been a mess for most of today. I think it's sleep deprivation catching up to me, or possibly leftover stress, improperly processed, from last night. But anyways, I messed up a few things, Matt and I grumped at each other, and then the toilet overflowed. A lot. There was some screaming and swearing and then cleaning up. And a bit more grumping, because that's how these things go. But then the grumps were replaced with dinner, accomplishing something in the job search, and snuggling in front of stupid TV. All is well!

Day 11 Gratitude:
rooting out the source of the grumps

when you're not strong, I'll be your friend

No details here, but a little outline:
-Saw friends who went out of their way to see me on Sunday
-Called people on the phone and talked to them about friend things and it was great
-Had various twitter in livejournal exchanges with friends

I did a little leaning and a little supporting in the past few days.

Day 10 Gratitude:
friend networks that are strong enough for mutual leaning in many directions

PS I posted this and then decided to add another few thoughts about friendship:
It's been a good long while since the last time that I felt strong enough about myself to be the support person. It's a role that I would really rather be taking, and suddenly I find that I'm really doing ok enough to hold others up for a bit. It's only fair; they did the same for me. And the best part about it is that there are many people I can turn to next, so we're all supporting each other.

flying hugs

Today I went down to Portland on a whim. Really, it hadn't been planned before about 10am today that I would do it. But Dad and I looked at a house and hung out with folks and had coffee and it was generally awesome. More than one person I ran into gave me a flying hug. :) I took the Amtrak Cascade line back up north for the first time in my life. It was just about uneventful, though I had to screw my courage to the sticking point and whatnot. Traveling alone is all scary and stuff! The worst part of the trip was when google maps gave Matt bad directions to the station, so he got all frustrated and I waited in the rain. (Honest! I had fun!) But I think I handled today and all of its attending chaos far better than I would have 6 months to a year ago.

Day 9 Gratitude:
Good stories to tell.